"Insecurity stems from a feeling of unworthiness while humility stems from a knowledge of unworthiness." - me

The Obedient

I think at this point of following my blog you have recognized that my biggest struggle in life is fear. I have always been a fraidy cat but only in the past 10 years has it really tried to reign in my life.  You may have also read about the Lord trying to break me from that fear here and maybe here. But this weekend the Lord gave me a really cool picture about it. And I feel more broken from the chains of fear than I have ever felt.

At the beginning of the Created for Care retreat they asked us to ask the Lord what he would show us that weekend. And when we closed our eyes to pray the two things that popped in my head right away was 1) fears and then 2) the breakup of my family. Well fears made sense its what I am always praying about. Break my fears. Break my fear of flying. Take away my anxiety Lord.

But the family breakup thing... Gosh. My parents divorced like 12 years ago when I was 19. Why would that come up now? Yes it is a constant struggle in my life to feel torn between them, but its been a while and I thought I had handled this. So as soon as it came in my head I remember thinking "really?" and then as quick as it came it left and I focused on dealing with my fears.

After the Friday night talk my friends and I went to talk to the speaker Dr Susan Hillis about some things she had said and because my russian born biffle wanted to compliment her russian fluency. Dr Hillis at some point was explaining something to my other biffle and at one point said something that echoed in my ears like someone had bullhorned it. If I am being honest it is still bouncing around the walls of my ears. Dr Hillis said "its not about courage. its about obedience." Whoaaa. My whole world stopped at that sentence and I started playing it around over and over and over. More on this later....

Well one thing you should know about me is that certain things are not comfortable to me. I was raised in a Roman Catholic family and church. Since becoming a follower of Christ I have experienced many things and my eyes have been open in many ways to the reality of a present living Christ. But I am an introvert and a conservative in many ways. So with the exception of an intervening peace from Christ I am rarely comfortable with the more charismatic side of the faith. Also with praying with strangers. I can pray unceasing in my heart, in my room, with my family and friends. But it is such an intimate thing to me that praying with a perfect stranger tends to be awkward to me. Its as if having a stranger cuddle with my husband and I. Awkward right? I do it when I have to but always avoid it. Also, forced quiet time in the company of others equally awkward for me. Real creative things like painting and crafty things as a communication with God also not natural to me. I can sit in front of a computer and program a web application feeling that the Lord is guiding my fingers and that is natural to me, but thats because that is my gift and its naturally how He made me to be. I am an awkward person in general so most things with strangers are not easy for me. Stranger danger you know? hehe

Anyhow - knowing that about me would explain why when they said we were going to have a "date with God" at the retreat I was less than ecstatic. I figured it would be some highly charismatic group prayer time that would make me feel on the spot and awkward and forced. When my biffles and I walked into the room (late to make it worse when they were already talking) it was very much the case. About 50+ women crammed in sitting on the floor and stations around the room for quiet prayer, prayer with someone (stranger danger), painting, clay, drawing, etc. My heart raced in anxiety of what we would need to do and how uncomfortable it would be for me. But that was only for a moment.

They explained the stations and rotations and encouraged us each to visit each station. So my first plan was to quickly make my way through the room and maybe even duck out early if that wasnt awkward. Both of my biffles headed to where their heart led them and I started at what I considered the least awkward - quiet time. There was a tent set up with soft worship music playing meant for quiet time. I sat down and started praying.

Immediately the Lord grabbed my heart and drew me in. He started to explain things in my heart that I had never put together before. It was like a story unraveling in my heart. When you are young you aren't afraid. You have loving parents that you trust and you do what they say. If you trust your parents you are obedient to them. And when they tell you to get on a plane you just do it knowing that they will protect you and wouldn't have you do anything dangerous. The Lord showed me that as a child I had been obedient to my parents and didn't need to be brave, just obedient. Then He showed me that when my parents divorced and the family split I felt like I had no home, no family, no stability, and noone to lean on. I felt like an orphan. My parents hadn't gone anywhere but things were different. I saw broken hurting people that I felt needed my support not my burdens. This was the year that I developed panic disorder, high anxiety, and stopped doing things that scared me. This was also the last year I got on a plane.

The Lord showed me this and how I had trouble submitting to my parents that I now saw in a new light. Not that I was disobedient to them (I lived on my own at this point) but that I no longer looked to them for where to step next because I did not agree with decisions they had made. Then it was like I was jerked awake and had trouble getting back to this place with Him to see how I fix it. But knowing how Jesus Christ taught in the gospels I know that sometimes the obvious answers are the obvious answers. The night before Dr Hillis had proclaimed that I don't actually need to be brave I just need to be obedient to the Lord. And here the Lord has showed me where that disconnect between obedience and fear happened before. So I am praying the prayer for obedience instead of courage now. And I am hoping this leads me to where the Lord would have me.

Keep my struggles with fear (apparently obedience) in your prayers and they will carry me across the oceans. thank you.

I am putting my retreat nametag into my memorial box :)

The Rain

I have to say one of my favorite things is walking in the rain. In fact, rain was a struggle my husband and I had to get through early in our relationship.

When he sees rain he either goes inside or gets an umbrella. When I see rain I want to run outside and stomp in puddles. He would exclaim that rain is dirty and gross, and I would say it was refreshing and clean. Needless to say, my husband will now walk in the rain with me and even enjoy it, though he does still think it is dirty.

Rain to me used to signify cold ugly weather where you couldn't do fun things. Rain has a completely different meaning to me now and I find it beautiful, cleansing, refreshing, renewing, happy, and even loving. When did this transition happen? On a hot sticky humid grey day in Sarasota Florida about 8 years ago.

On this particular day I was sitting in church, that was at that time renting a classroom at the local red cross. I felt like I should go outside and pray. I had been feeling lackluster in my faith for some time and felt like I was going through the motions, and though I was continuously learning and reading my bible I wasn't feeling a real connection with the Lord. So as I walked the parking lot praying aloud to the Lord. I prayed specifically for renewal. I prayed the Lord would wash me of the burdens that I carried and that I would be refreshed with a passionate relationship with Christ.

When all of a sudden I became aware of an intense feeling of love and then boom it happened. It poured rain down over me. And I started to laugh out loud to myself. I had been asking the Lord specifically to wash me and renew me and pour his love on me and boom rain pouring all over me. I continued to laugh and pray and walk around for a few minutes more enjoying the cold rain falling down my face, drenching me. Coincidence? That would be naive to believe it was a coincidence. And trust me, my burdens were lifted that day, my passion was renewed, and I felt the Lord's love in a very real way. This was one of those times in my life that pushed me into a deeper love and relationship with Christ.

Since that day I think back to those moments often. Yes, I was always a puddle splasher but I never ever appreciated rain like I do now. Now when I see rain, I notice things. I see the sun-cracked dry light brown earth filling with moisture and life-source. I see the withered green leaves puff up with energy. I see the dirt pour off my driveway down into the gutters. I see my car shining a little more (well when its waxed real good). I feel the appreciative exhale of a Floridian about to explode from heat and humidity when the rain starts coming and we get a few brief moments of coldness, well when the rain isn't near boiling temperature and scalding our scalps. I see the birds huddled up together on power lines waiting for it to pass.

I really do love the refreshing rejuvenating effect that rain has on us. And I think living in Florida in the summer has an exaggerated vision of what rain does. Not even considering the droughts and water restrictions that we've had in recent years... When I leave for work in the morning I go out and drench the soil in my plants. When I come home the soil is so dry that there are cracks in the soil and it looks like someone literally took a food dehydrator to it. And the leaves on my plants are curled in and browning. So when it rains just then and the soil expands and turns a darker brown and the leaves puff back up, I can just see how the rain gives new life to things.

The Lord has a similar effect on us. The Lord can bring us life when our bodies and souls are light brown and cracked dry. When the scorching heat of life has made us feel like we can't breath or move, the Lord can fill our spirits with himself and rejuvenate us. Without rain a plant can only live a very limited life. Without the Lord we are only breathing and following the motions. So if you see a silly young woman drenched and laughing splashing through puddles in central Florida - shoot me a wave :)

I pray for you today that you ask the Lord to rain his spirit on you. Maybe it won't be in a literal way, maybe it will. I pray you ask him to take up greater residence in your heart and that you would love him in even a small portion of the manner that He loves you. I pray that you know today that you have a father in heaven who is watching and waiting for the tiniest of times with you, and is deserving of so much more.

Psalm 42
1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

The Smoke-Out

"Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world"

I am not sure what it was that started me smoking cigarettes. When I was young my grandparents smoked and I hated it. I knew smoking could give diseases and I would beg my granny to quit smoking. [prepare yourself for a big admission] I sucked my thumb much longer than most kids. I am pretty sure I was almost 10 before I completely stopped. As I aged it came out only when I was scared but well... anyhow... I recall asking my granny when she encouraged me to quit sucking my thumb if she would consider a deal. I offered to quit sucking my thumb if she would quit smoking. Well she took the deal, I quit sucking my thumb, but she didn't quit smoking until she came down with leukemia when I was about 13.

But somehow - I have vague memories of sneaking cigarettes we found at the beach with my sister as teens and trying them out. Then I started working at a local grocery store as a bagger and all my coworkers seemed to smoke. I wasn't a full out smoker until after 18, but in my teen years I would smoke a cigarette when they were available to me. I smoked in my late teens to my early twenties and it was not long before I wanted to quit. Between watching smokers drop like flies in my life, watching my nephew struggle with childhood cancer, and coughing until my lungs hurt - I feared a painful disease and what smoking was doing to me. I began to despise smoking and the hold it had on me. But all my friends smoked, and every time I quit I was smoking again before long.

Early in my twenties I also found the Lord. I didn't feel a huge conflict of interest with smoking cigarettes and my faith, though it did change the way I drank alcohol and my desire to participate in other activities. But the best part about my new faith, and then my new church, was that I did find some friends who didn't smoke. And instead of being part of a crowd who goes outside every five minutes for a smoke I became the one outside rushing through a cigarette before I could go back in to everyone. I also found my friend Anna who also expressed a strong desire to quit smoking.

So anyhow, my friends had come to find my continuous smoking quitting humorous. I saw their raised eyebrows and smirks every time I claimed that I had just finished my last cigarette. February 13, 2003 I was sitting with my friends Erin, Kyle, Clayton, Julie, and Richie in Erin and Kyle's house. I told them that I had decided right then that I was going to quit smoking. Clayton started laughing and said "sure you are Kim", and the rest laughed. Recalling the line on the back of my tshirt I snapped back "greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world".

Whoa - I just brought God into the equation. Whether the almighty creator of the universe wanted to be drawn into my battle with Nicotene or not here it was. When I told my friend Anna that night she said she would also quit that night. I am not going to tell you that God instantly quenched my desire for a cigarette and that it magically was no longer an addiction. But I am going to tell you that the Lord quit smoking for me. After time and time and time of declaring and attempting a quit I finally quit for real. My friends helped me. We kept my hands busy with video games and my mouth busy with cough drops (from the inevitable ick we all get from quitting smoking). But we did it. The Lord literally carried me through. I recall hiding a couple cigarettes in my drawer just in case, and eventually threw them out.

Anna and I quit smoking on February 13 and our bodies began to heal. When it was all said and done I no longer had a taste or even slight desire for cigarettes (which I am told is rare). Very soon after quitting the smell became disgusting and unbearable to me. I guess thats what happens when you get what you ask for. Years later I can honestly say the Lord healed me of that and I will never again smoke another cigarette. And though Anna has struggled quite a bit more than me (still dealing with the desire for smoking and even having dreams about it) she is currently in smoking remission. So join me in praying for her that God would grant her the freedom that He granted me from nicotene and all that goes with it.

I will be putting a pack of matches into my memorial box to remind me of what the Lord took away.

  

Day of Prayer And Fasting

A Place Called Simplicity: Please Share Your Prayer Needs.....

Im captivated by Stellan's story!

scroll down and keep clicking previous posts to get to the beginning - and read backwords

The Storming of Ninevah

I love the book of Jonah. I love the idea of the whale and the boy. I love the prayers. I love the inspiration and courage. I love the fear and rebellion. I don't really care if the fish was a fish or a whale. I don't really care if it was an actual historical event or just a story to explain a concept. I just love the heck out of it.

 A part of me All of me really identifies with Jonah. Sometimes when God comes a calling I want to crawl under a rock and stick my fingers in my ears and sing out loud "la la la la la la la - I cant hear you". Sometimes I want to turn the radio up real loud and pretend I didn't hear him. Sometimes I want to use logic to convince myself why what He wants couldn't really be what is best for me. And sometimes, just sometimes, I want to hop on a boat and go in the other direction. I think most people probably feel this way sometimes. I know for me - my enemy is fear. Fear is what tries to yank me away from God's best for me. Fear of man. Fear of fear. Fear of possibilities. Fear of loneliness. Fear of God.

For a long time I wasn't just a tourist under that rock - I lived there. I was the rock girl. I didn't care that there wasn't any sun there - because the sun was too bright. I stayed under that rock and stuck my fingers in my ears and let fear take complete control of my steps. I am not saying I was happy under that rock, but it was my rock and it was comfortable.

Somewhere after my first missions trip fear started to lose grip on me. The love of Christ started to burn it away. I suddenly became filled with a new courage. I had this picture in my head. It was me being catapulted off the tongue of a whale, like a slingshot almost, flying in a somersault with my fist raised - storming Ninevah. I didn't want to run and hide from the word Ninevah anymore. I wanted to storm Ninevah. I wanted to raise my fist in triumph and speak forth the word of God.

I have told you about my bff anna and how we are tight. We also like to do projects together. We have done most things, from modgepodge to building homemade didgerydoos, to electrical diy projects and pranks.... paintings, clay... sewing... everything. Now one of the things we did at one time was we made some techno worship songs, and named ourselves "storming ninevah". They are kind of lame - anna is amazing but i am not. If you have a jrock account you can listen to them here http://www.jrockboom.com/userinfo.php?user=stormingninevah

So when fear starts to creep up and put its hands around my throat, I try to think about Storming Ninevah. Because as that story showed us, and as experience has shown me, God will do the impossible, all we have to do is show up.

I am putting a picture of jonah and the whale into my memorial box :)