But you are to hold fast to the LORD your God, as you have until now.
Joshua 23:8
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
The Monopoly Money
I was reading Good to be Crazy and something hit me right in the face. She quoted Amy Carmichael who said: “Satan is so much more in earnest than we are–he buys up the opportunity while we are wondering how much it will cost.”
I immediately thought of Monopoly. When I play monopoly I win. The minute the game starts I buy every single piece of property I have until I am just about out of cash. This strategy always gives me a leg up on gaining monopolies of everything and having more properties to trade to complete my monopolies. While my husband is usually more conservative with what he buys targeting specific areas and making sure he has enough to pay for things that come up. While I am flagrantly throwing my cash down to gain every advantage that I can, knowing that the future can worry about the future and I can always mortgage/sell a property off if I run into trouble. To me - gaining ground is the most important strategy and I don't even look at the cost of purchases until I am told I can't afford one.
Fortunately I am not quite this irresponsible with money in real life. And since Bry handles the books the net result is nothing like how I play Monopoly. But maybe it should be. Maybe we should be putting every single penny we have into advancing the cause of Christ. Desire of comfort and the American way is not how we want to be, so why is that not reflected in our budget as much as it should be? The enemy is certainly not worrying about saving for a rainy day - he is putting every penny down because he knows his time is limited. Well our time is also limited in the earthly sense, shouldn't we be putting every penny down too?
Well, Bryan won't play much Monopoly with me anymore. Maybe its the real estate agents in my blood, or my buy em all up strategy, but my continuous winning makes the game less fun for him - not sure why... So basically I go all out, always win, and he gives up. Hmmm - sounds like a good strategy for life too?
I immediately thought of Monopoly. When I play monopoly I win. The minute the game starts I buy every single piece of property I have until I am just about out of cash. This strategy always gives me a leg up on gaining monopolies of everything and having more properties to trade to complete my monopolies. While my husband is usually more conservative with what he buys targeting specific areas and making sure he has enough to pay for things that come up. While I am flagrantly throwing my cash down to gain every advantage that I can, knowing that the future can worry about the future and I can always mortgage/sell a property off if I run into trouble. To me - gaining ground is the most important strategy and I don't even look at the cost of purchases until I am told I can't afford one.
Fortunately I am not quite this irresponsible with money in real life. And since Bry handles the books the net result is nothing like how I play Monopoly. But maybe it should be. Maybe we should be putting every single penny we have into advancing the cause of Christ. Desire of comfort and the American way is not how we want to be, so why is that not reflected in our budget as much as it should be? The enemy is certainly not worrying about saving for a rainy day - he is putting every penny down because he knows his time is limited. Well our time is also limited in the earthly sense, shouldn't we be putting every penny down too?
Well, Bryan won't play much Monopoly with me anymore. Maybe its the real estate agents in my blood, or my buy em all up strategy, but my continuous winning makes the game less fun for him - not sure why... So basically I go all out, always win, and he gives up. Hmmm - sounds like a good strategy for life too?
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
The Obedient
I think at this point of following my blog you have recognized that my biggest struggle in life is fear. I have always been a fraidy cat but only in the past 10 years has it really tried to reign in my life. You may have also read about the Lord trying to break me from that fear here and maybe here. But this weekend the Lord gave me a really cool picture about it. And I feel more broken from the chains of fear than I have ever felt.
At the beginning of the Created for Care retreat they asked us to ask the Lord what he would show us that weekend. And when we closed our eyes to pray the two things that popped in my head right away was 1) fears and then 2) the breakup of my family. Well fears made sense its what I am always praying about. Break my fears. Break my fear of flying. Take away my anxiety Lord.
But the family breakup thing... Gosh. My parents divorced like 12 years ago when I was 19. Why would that come up now? Yes it is a constant struggle in my life to feel torn between them, but its been a while and I thought I had handled this. So as soon as it came in my head I remember thinking "really?" and then as quick as it came it left and I focused on dealing with my fears.
After the Friday night talk my friends and I went to talk to the speaker Dr Susan Hillis about some things she had said and because my russian born biffle wanted to compliment her russian fluency. Dr Hillis at some point was explaining something to my other biffle and at one point said something that echoed in my ears like someone had bullhorned it. If I am being honest it is still bouncing around the walls of my ears. Dr Hillis said "its not about courage. its about obedience." Whoaaa. My whole world stopped at that sentence and I started playing it around over and over and over. More on this later....
Well one thing you should know about me is that certain things are not comfortable to me. I was raised in a Roman Catholic family and church. Since becoming a follower of Christ I have experienced many things and my eyes have been open in many ways to the reality of a present living Christ. But I am an introvert and a conservative in many ways. So with the exception of an intervening peace from Christ I am rarely comfortable with the more charismatic side of the faith. Also with praying with strangers. I can pray unceasing in my heart, in my room, with my family and friends. But it is such an intimate thing to me that praying with a perfect stranger tends to be awkward to me. Its as if having a stranger cuddle with my husband and I. Awkward right? I do it when I have to but always avoid it. Also, forced quiet time in the company of others equally awkward for me. Real creative things like painting and crafty things as a communication with God also not natural to me. I can sit in front of a computer and program a web application feeling that the Lord is guiding my fingers and that is natural to me, but thats because that is my gift and its naturally how He made me to be. I am an awkward person in general so most things with strangers are not easy for me. Stranger danger you know? hehe
Anyhow - knowing that about me would explain why when they said we were going to have a "date with God" at the retreat I was less than ecstatic. I figured it would be some highly charismatic group prayer time that would make me feel on the spot and awkward and forced. When my biffles and I walked into the room (late to make it worse when they were already talking) it was very much the case. About 50+ women crammed in sitting on the floor and stations around the room for quiet prayer, prayer with someone (stranger danger), painting, clay, drawing, etc. My heart raced in anxiety of what we would need to do and how uncomfortable it would be for me. But that was only for a moment.
They explained the stations and rotations and encouraged us each to visit each station. So my first plan was to quickly make my way through the room and maybe even duck out early if that wasnt awkward. Both of my biffles headed to where their heart led them and I started at what I considered the least awkward - quiet time. There was a tent set up with soft worship music playing meant for quiet time. I sat down and started praying.
Immediately the Lord grabbed my heart and drew me in. He started to explain things in my heart that I had never put together before. It was like a story unraveling in my heart. When you are young you aren't afraid. You have loving parents that you trust and you do what they say. If you trust your parents you are obedient to them. And when they tell you to get on a plane you just do it knowing that they will protect you and wouldn't have you do anything dangerous. The Lord showed me that as a child I had been obedient to my parents and didn't need to be brave, just obedient. Then He showed me that when my parents divorced and the family split I felt like I had no home, no family, no stability, and noone to lean on. I felt like an orphan. My parents hadn't gone anywhere but things were different. I saw broken hurting people that I felt needed my support not my burdens. This was the year that I developed panic disorder, high anxiety, and stopped doing things that scared me. This was also the last year I got on a plane.
The Lord showed me this and how I had trouble submitting to my parents that I now saw in a new light. Not that I was disobedient to them (I lived on my own at this point) but that I no longer looked to them for where to step next because I did not agree with decisions they had made. Then it was like I was jerked awake and had trouble getting back to this place with Him to see how I fix it. But knowing how Jesus Christ taught in the gospels I know that sometimes the obvious answers are the obvious answers. The night before Dr Hillis had proclaimed that I don't actually need to be brave I just need to be obedient to the Lord. And here the Lord has showed me where that disconnect between obedience and fear happened before. So I am praying the prayer for obedience instead of courage now. And I am hoping this leads me to where the Lord would have me.
Keep my struggles with fear (apparently obedience) in your prayers and they will carry me across the oceans. thank you.
I am putting my retreat nametag into my memorial box :)
At the beginning of the Created for Care retreat they asked us to ask the Lord what he would show us that weekend. And when we closed our eyes to pray the two things that popped in my head right away was 1) fears and then 2) the breakup of my family. Well fears made sense its what I am always praying about. Break my fears. Break my fear of flying. Take away my anxiety Lord.
But the family breakup thing... Gosh. My parents divorced like 12 years ago when I was 19. Why would that come up now? Yes it is a constant struggle in my life to feel torn between them, but its been a while and I thought I had handled this. So as soon as it came in my head I remember thinking "really?" and then as quick as it came it left and I focused on dealing with my fears.
After the Friday night talk my friends and I went to talk to the speaker Dr Susan Hillis about some things she had said and because my russian born biffle wanted to compliment her russian fluency. Dr Hillis at some point was explaining something to my other biffle and at one point said something that echoed in my ears like someone had bullhorned it. If I am being honest it is still bouncing around the walls of my ears. Dr Hillis said "its not about courage. its about obedience." Whoaaa. My whole world stopped at that sentence and I started playing it around over and over and over. More on this later....
Well one thing you should know about me is that certain things are not comfortable to me. I was raised in a Roman Catholic family and church. Since becoming a follower of Christ I have experienced many things and my eyes have been open in many ways to the reality of a present living Christ. But I am an introvert and a conservative in many ways. So with the exception of an intervening peace from Christ I am rarely comfortable with the more charismatic side of the faith. Also with praying with strangers. I can pray unceasing in my heart, in my room, with my family and friends. But it is such an intimate thing to me that praying with a perfect stranger tends to be awkward to me. Its as if having a stranger cuddle with my husband and I. Awkward right? I do it when I have to but always avoid it. Also, forced quiet time in the company of others equally awkward for me. Real creative things like painting and crafty things as a communication with God also not natural to me. I can sit in front of a computer and program a web application feeling that the Lord is guiding my fingers and that is natural to me, but thats because that is my gift and its naturally how He made me to be. I am an awkward person in general so most things with strangers are not easy for me. Stranger danger you know? hehe
Anyhow - knowing that about me would explain why when they said we were going to have a "date with God" at the retreat I was less than ecstatic. I figured it would be some highly charismatic group prayer time that would make me feel on the spot and awkward and forced. When my biffles and I walked into the room (late to make it worse when they were already talking) it was very much the case. About 50+ women crammed in sitting on the floor and stations around the room for quiet prayer, prayer with someone (stranger danger), painting, clay, drawing, etc. My heart raced in anxiety of what we would need to do and how uncomfortable it would be for me. But that was only for a moment.
They explained the stations and rotations and encouraged us each to visit each station. So my first plan was to quickly make my way through the room and maybe even duck out early if that wasnt awkward. Both of my biffles headed to where their heart led them and I started at what I considered the least awkward - quiet time. There was a tent set up with soft worship music playing meant for quiet time. I sat down and started praying.
Immediately the Lord grabbed my heart and drew me in. He started to explain things in my heart that I had never put together before. It was like a story unraveling in my heart. When you are young you aren't afraid. You have loving parents that you trust and you do what they say. If you trust your parents you are obedient to them. And when they tell you to get on a plane you just do it knowing that they will protect you and wouldn't have you do anything dangerous. The Lord showed me that as a child I had been obedient to my parents and didn't need to be brave, just obedient. Then He showed me that when my parents divorced and the family split I felt like I had no home, no family, no stability, and noone to lean on. I felt like an orphan. My parents hadn't gone anywhere but things were different. I saw broken hurting people that I felt needed my support not my burdens. This was the year that I developed panic disorder, high anxiety, and stopped doing things that scared me. This was also the last year I got on a plane.
The Lord showed me this and how I had trouble submitting to my parents that I now saw in a new light. Not that I was disobedient to them (I lived on my own at this point) but that I no longer looked to them for where to step next because I did not agree with decisions they had made. Then it was like I was jerked awake and had trouble getting back to this place with Him to see how I fix it. But knowing how Jesus Christ taught in the gospels I know that sometimes the obvious answers are the obvious answers. The night before Dr Hillis had proclaimed that I don't actually need to be brave I just need to be obedient to the Lord. And here the Lord has showed me where that disconnect between obedience and fear happened before. So I am praying the prayer for obedience instead of courage now. And I am hoping this leads me to where the Lord would have me.
Keep my struggles with fear (apparently obedience) in your prayers and they will carry me across the oceans. thank you.
I am putting my retreat nametag into my memorial box :)
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The Rain
When he sees rain he either goes inside or gets an umbrella. When I see rain I want to run outside and stomp in puddles. He would exclaim that rain is dirty and gross, and I would say it was refreshing and clean. Needless to say, my husband will now walk in the rain with me and even enjoy it, though he does still think it is dirty.
Rain to me used to signify cold ugly weather where you couldn't do fun things. Rain has a completely different meaning to me now and I find it beautiful, cleansing, refreshing, renewing, happy, and even loving. When did this transition happen? On a hot sticky humid grey day in Sarasota Florida about 8 years ago.
On this particular day I was sitting in church, that was at that time renting a classroom at the local red cross. I felt like I should go outside and pray. I had been feeling lackluster in my faith for some time and felt like I was going through the motions, and though I was continuously learning and reading my bible I wasn't feeling a real connection with the Lord. So as I walked the parking lot praying aloud to the Lord. I prayed specifically for renewal. I prayed the Lord would wash me of the burdens that I carried and that I would be refreshed with a passionate relationship with Christ.
When all of a sudden I became aware of an intense feeling of love and then boom it happened. It poured rain down over me. And I started to laugh out loud to myself. I had been asking the Lord specifically to wash me and renew me and pour his love on me and boom rain pouring all over me. I continued to laugh and pray and walk around for a few minutes more enjoying the cold rain falling down my face, drenching me. Coincidence? That would be naive to believe it was a coincidence. And trust me, my burdens were lifted that day, my passion was renewed, and I felt the Lord's love in a very real way. This was one of those times in my life that pushed me into a deeper love and relationship with Christ.
Since that day I think back to those moments often. Yes, I was always a puddle splasher but I never ever appreciated rain like I do now. Now when I see rain, I notice things. I see the sun-cracked dry light brown earth filling with moisture and life-source. I see the withered green leaves puff up with energy. I see the dirt pour off my driveway down into the gutters. I see my car shining a little more (well when its waxed real good). I feel the appreciative exhale of a Floridian about to explode from heat and humidity when the rain starts coming and we get a few brief moments of coldness, well when the rain isn't near boiling temperature and scalding our scalps. I see the birds huddled up together on power lines waiting for it to pass.
I really do love the refreshing rejuvenating effect that rain has on us. And I think living in Florida in the summer has an exaggerated vision of what rain does. Not even considering the droughts and water restrictions that we've had in recent years... When I leave for work in the morning I go out and drench the soil in my plants. When I come home the soil is so dry that there are cracks in the soil and it looks like someone literally took a food dehydrator to it. And the leaves on my plants are curled in and browning. So when it rains just then and the soil expands and turns a darker brown and the leaves puff back up, I can just see how the rain gives new life to things.
The Lord has a similar effect on us. The Lord can bring us life when our bodies and souls are light brown and cracked dry. When the scorching heat of life has made us feel like we can't breath or move, the Lord can fill our spirits with himself and rejuvenate us. Without rain a plant can only live a very limited life. Without the Lord we are only breathing and following the motions. So if you see a silly young woman drenched and laughing splashing through puddles in central Florida - shoot me a wave :)
I pray for you today that you ask the Lord to rain his spirit on you. Maybe it won't be in a literal way, maybe it will. I pray you ask him to take up greater residence in your heart and that you would love him in even a small portion of the manner that He loves you. I pray that you know today that you have a father in heaven who is watching and waiting for the tiniest of times with you, and is deserving of so much more.
Psalm 42
1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
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